Style Invitational Week 1340: Not-ables — slightly change a famous name Plus our winning double-entendre quotes — yup, that’s what she said (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 11 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning double-entendres) *George Washingmachine: Earliest master of political spin. * *Genghis Yes-We-Khan: The Barbarity of Hope.* *Confusius: “By three methods we may learn wisdom: reflection, imitation, and . . . oops . . . ”* **This week’s contest, suggested by 400-time Loser Gary Crockett, is inspired by a recent panel of Scott Hilburn’s clever comic “The Argyle Sweater” (see it on GoComics.com). Titled “Least-Remembered Historical Figures,” it features a series of cartoons depicting such unluminaries as “Copernicuss” (“&#%$@ planets!”), “Gen. George Custodian” (“They left a mess at Little Big Horn”) and “Aristattle” (ancient Greek kid yelling, “I’m telling Mom!”). *This week: Slightly alter the name (make sure the original is obvious) of a famous personage — past or present, real or fictional — and describe the resulting nonpersonage, or offer a quote from that person, or both, *as in the examples above. Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1340 * (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine pair of *Sandal Sox* — white socks with a buckling-sandal motif on top, so you can get the dorky-dad socks-with-sandals look without even wearing shoes. In fact, wearing shoes will totally hide the effect. Donated by Joke Dad Jeff Contompasis. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de) Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, July 22; *results published Aug. 11 in print, Aug. 8 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ***** * The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week’s new contest and results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *DOUBLE-MEANT FUN: REPORT FROM WEEK 1336* **In *Week 1336* the Empress gave you a list of various situations — including the ever-popular “in bed” — and asked you to suggest something one might say in any two of those situations. That the double-entendres were required to be printable, even by the taste standards of the Invitational, ruled out a sizable fraction of the entries; hence none of the many jokes about “openings” (job interview/bed) or “eat” or “bone.” Less graphically, there were just too many “meatball” entries for Trump/Ikea, or “Let’s cut this short” for haircut/Trump. Still, we offer you these: 4th place: *Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed: * * *“So we’re a bit short-staffed tonight, are we?” /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) / Socks-with-sandals without sandals: This week's second prize. (bluecrate.com) 3rd place: *Something you could say both at Ikea and when President Trump visits your country: *“My God, that orange rug is hideous.” /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) / 2nd place and the yuckily named personal-care items : *Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed: *“You gonna finish that?”/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) / And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *Something you could say both at a restaurant and when Trump visits your country: *"Can we get it to go?" /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) / Nixed doubles: Honorable mentions *At Ikea and at a doctor’s office:* “This is the oddest-looking stool I’ve ever seen.” /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *Getting a haircut and when Trump visits your country:* “Ow, my ears!” /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/ *At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:* “This nut here seems to be useless.” /(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)/ “Wow, what a huge glass bowl!” /(Duncan Stevens)/ *At Ikea and in bed: * “I don’t know — those drawers are really sticky.” /(Frank Osen)/ “Huh, it looked much bigger on the website.” /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) / “I’ll pay cash on the dresser.” /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) / *At a job interview and a restaurant: *“I always give 118 percent.” /(Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)/ *At a restaurant and a doctor’s office:* “Now which of you has the crabs?” /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) / *During a haircut and in a job interview: * “I like to take a little off the top — not so much that anyone would notice.” /(Roy Ashley, Washington) / *At a job interview and in bed: * “You’re on my ‘short’ list.” /(Tom Witte) / “What types of entry-level positions are you open to?”/(Kevin Dopart) / *On a game show and in a job interview:* “Wheel-spinning is my specialty, Bob.”/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) / *At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country:* “We need to send back this spoiled turkey.” /(Duncan Stevens) / *When Trump visits your country and in bed:* “These giant inflatables are a lot of fun.”/(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) / “Ít helps to close my eyes and think of Obama.”/(Mark Raffman) / *On a game show and at the doctor:* “And the actual retail price is . . . $23,981!”/(Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington) / *On a game show and when Trump visits your country: * “The tribe has spoken: Pack your bags and leave the island.”/(Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.) / *At a doctor’s office and in a job interview:* “Should I leave my underwear on?” /(Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) / *At a doctor’s office and when Trump visits your country: * “Is it serious?” /(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)/ “Don’t worry, the headache and irritation are common but temporary.”/(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:* “What are we supposed to do with this tool?” /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/ *During a haircut and in bed: *“Could we try that gel again? It worked pretty well last time.” /(Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)/ “Now that there’s less to work with, let’s try doing it every six weeks instead of once a month.” /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)/ “You always make the bangs too short.” /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md., William Kennard, Arlington)/ *At a supermarket and among Style Invitational Losers:* “Ugh, these lines are awful!” /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) / *Among Style Invitational Losers and in bed: * “You may not exceed 25 entries in one week.” /(Steve Honley, Washington; Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)/ “Want to see my little cannon?” /(Frank Mann, Washington)/ “I don’t CARE if Jesse Frankovich can do it eight times in a week!” /(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)/ “You will call me Empress, Loser. And if you want any of my favors, you must first submit.” /(Seth Tucker, Washington) / *Among Style Invitational Losers and when Trump comes to your country: *“I can’t believe/that /stupid thing won!” /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) / *Still running — deadline is also July 22: our contest for song parodies about modern woes. See wapo.st/invite1339 . * *DON’T MISS AN INVITE! * Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.